The counselor will help you decide whether to try to restore your marriage to health, move toward divorce, or take a time out and decide later. The goal is for you to gain clarity and confidence about a direction, based on a deeper understanding of your relationship and its possibilities for the future. The goal is not to solve your marital problems but to see if they are solvable. You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at the moment. No bad guys and good guys.

You will come in as a couple but the most important work occurs in the one-to-one conversations with the counselor. Why? Because you are starting out in different places. The counselor respects your reasons for divorce while trying to open up the possibility of restoring the marriage to health. The counselor emphasizes the importance of each of you seeing your own contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. This will be useful in future relationships even if this one ends.

Number of Sessions: A maximum of five counseling sessions. The first session is usually two hours and the subsequent are 1.75 or 2 hours.

Discernment Counseling is not Suited for these situations:

• When one spouse has already made a final decision to divorce
• When one spouse is coercing the other to participate
• When there is danger of domestic violence

To discuss your situation with no cost or obligation call/text (415)999-4414 or schedule a call through email: Kathy@couplescounselingworks.com.

The post What if you are not sure about staying married appeared first on Kathy Jarosz.

This is an area I have a lot of experience in. I have been trained by some of the pioneers in affair recovery including Esther Perel, Ellyn Bader, Janis Abrahms Spring, John Gottman and Sue Johnson.

My job is to support you to and to create a non-judgmental atmosphere.

Affairs are common and most couples chose to work on their marriage once an affair is disclosed. There is hope. There is choice. There is even possibility of transformation. I have helped a lot of couples grow from this marital crisis. And some move on, but with full accountability to themselves for the lessons learned and growth demanded upon them. A crisis time is often a moment of time when great opportunity exists. I will help you get through this period, learn from it and grow into the next phase of your intimate life.

Please feel free to call/text me to discuss your situation at (415)999-4414, or email Kathy@couplescounselingworks.com.

The post If You Are Having an Affair… appeared first on Kathy Jarosz.

You feel like the earth has disappeared from under your feet and your mind is racing. You can’t imagine that your partner, who you’ve always trusted and admired, could do such a thing. You don’t know where to turn!

Turn to professional help and quickly, before key mistakes are made!

Here are situations I have a lot of training and experience to counsel:

• Sexual affairs.
• Emotional affairs.
• Sexual compulsive behavior/sex addiction.
• Deception pattern.
• Lack of agreement on monogamy.
• Gay partner in a heterosexual relationship wanting to come out.
• Sexual entitlement.

This is an area I have a lot of experience in and proven track record. I have been trained by some of the pioneers in affair recovery including Esther Perel, Ellyn Bader, John Gottman, Janis Abrahms Spring, and Sue Johnson. I use their methods.

Call me to discuss your situation, and I will answer your questions. I can be reached at (415)999-4414 or email Kathy@couplescounselingworks.com.

Don’t wait! Once again, it’s important to go to a couples therapy specialist. You wouldn’t go to a Primary Care Doctor if you needed a Cardiologist! Mistakes in the first few days and weeks after discovering an affair can mean the difference between a marriage that can survive and thrive afterwards, and a marriage left with insurmountable pain and never ending resentment.

Try not to overwhelm yourself with uncovering too much unnecessary information about the affair. With the prevalence of phones, tablets and laptop computers, it is easier than ever before to find much more information than you really want or need to know. There are many things to ask, but painful details that will only haunt you over time, should be left alone. Ask a couples therapy specialist when in doubt.

Find out what to ask your partner and HOW.

It is so important to ask questions that help you understand what the affair was about. Here are some options: feeling understood, feeling special, sexuality, intimacy, common bond, feeling appreciated, being desired again, feeling desire again, a way to cope with grief and mortality, and overcoming shame/low self-esteem. Those are just a few possibilities. My role is to support you through the process, and help you both get a comprehensive understanding of the affair. In this way you learn the cause(s) and can make different decisions going forward to inoculate your relationship.

Not all affairs are sexual or sexually focused. Some are “emotional affairs”.

An emotional affair is a connection that develops with someone where the prime feature is emotional intimacy. It may exclude sex altogether, or can lead to sex. The workplace is a common arena for this, as co-workers sometimes spend many hours together. This can also occur between people through developing a texting only relationship with someone. Often, both parties start out thinking of their relationship very casually, but texting is very rewarding and reinforcing if you feel disconnected from your partner, and can eventually become frequent and even compulsive.

Often emotional and sexual affairs can be difficult to stop.

How to set the scene to discuss the affair with your partner.

If you want to learn the truth, you should think twice before you threaten your partner. Your first goal needs to be to set an atmosphere where your partner will open up to you. You will need to call on all of your inner strength. This will be very hard for them as they have likely been feeling guilty throughout the affair, especially if there have been a lot of attempts to deceive.

Above all, leave moral judgments out of the discussion. Your partner will not open up to you very much, if at all, if they feel they are being judged and if they feel you are being self-righteous. Self-righteous indignation is potentially one of the barriers to being able to heal as a couple. As an alternative, tell your partner about the hurt and sense of betrayal you feel. Go deeply into your feelings with your partner, without condemning them.

This way they will understand your pain deeply, which is critical, and they will be much more likely to talk to you openly from a vulnerable place themselves.

Your partner may not be ready to tell you the truth, at first. That is why your approach is so critically important.

Sometimes people in this situation keep lying until confronted with undeniable proof, and sometimes even beyond that point no matter what you do. This is very destructive to the relationship! But if you think your approach isn’t helping them come clean, be sure to start couples therapy as quickly as possible. Remember: people most often lie out of fear of losing their partner. They may think you will leave them if they fess up.

Will I ever trust my partner again?

Yes is the answer, but they will have to earn your trust back through their actions, love, support and participation with the therapy process.

It will feel, for quite a period of time, that you will be unable to imagine trusting them again. But therapy is designed to eventually reestablish trust and safety. Without therapy, some marriages continue, but with a great deal of resentment which can poison their relationship.

You need a Couples Therapy Specialist not a general psychotherapist who does a little bit of couples therapy without advanced training.

There are many twists and turns in the healing process for couples. Each couple dealing with an affair crisis is unique and it is my job to understand the dynamics, and factors involved. It is imperative to dedicate yourself to finding a couples therapist with enough specialized training and experience in couples therapy. It can make a huge difference. Don’t risk getting help from someone who has not seen other couples through to a healthy relationship again.

To discuss your situation with no cost or obligation call/text (415)999-4414 or schedule a call through email: Kathy@couplescounselingworks.com.

The post Affairs and Betrayals appeared first on Kathy Jarosz.

1. Realize that whatever you are currently trying to do to solve the issue(s) is not working and consider giving those efforts a break until we can talk. Sometimes when we are unable to solve a problem, it is best to just recognize that and accept it. Often there can be a sense of calm when doing that, for now.
2. Focus on caring for your own needs right now. If you are tired, get more sleep. If you are tense, practice relaxing by doing something calming that you enjoy or listening to music or a relaxation tape. Figure out what you need, and try to give it to yourself.
3. Talk to a friend or trusted family member. It is important to share our problems with a safe supportive friend. In this way you don’t put all the pressure on your partner to hear your feelings and you may get an objective viewpoint from your friend or some feedback that could be helpful.
4. Think back to a time in your life when you were struggling with a difficult problem. Give some thought to what that was like, where you were, and really concentrate on the details of what things were like back then and how you felt. Then recall the steps you took to get yourself through that difficult period in your life. Write down any insights you have and consider how they may apply to your current situation.
5. Go back to books, music, art, hobbies, activities that were fulfilling to you in the past. Revisit those things with an open mind as a way to nurture and soothe yourself.
6. If you are dealing with a lot of anger spend 20-30 minutes a day writing out your feelings of anger. Start with a blank page and fill it up with whatever comes. Time yourself and keep going for a minimum of 20 minutes. At the end, rip up your notes, brush yourself off and forget about your thoughts, temporarily. Go about the rest of your day. This exercise has the added benefit of helping to prepare you for therapeutic work.
7. Prepare for therapy by writing out your goals for the therapy and bring them to the first session.
8. If you think you are depressed, book a physical exam with your physician to rule out any physical problems that could be causing or exacerbating your depression.

The post Survival Tips for Couples appeared first on Kathy Jarosz.

Well, the good news is that 40 years of research back up that counseling is more effective than not for 80% of people who try it. Research has consistently provided a strong basis for getting professional help. Unfortunately, the popular stereotype of therapists and therapy do not reflect this data and it is not widely known. I want to help change that.

I made the statement earlier on, that I am happy to work with spouses alone in counseling, if their partner will not come in. That said, I still would like to encourage you to come in for several reasons:

• If I work for an extended period of time with your spouse and you change your mind and later wish to join us, it may be awkward for you and you may fear that my previous bond with your partner might disrupt the three of us working together. If we start now, all together, we avoid that problem.
• Having your perspective during the assessment phase is invaluable. Only you can truly represent yourself. By hearing from you and seeing the two of you interact, I will learn volumes about how I can best be of help to the relationship.
• If you are not sure what your goal is for the relationship i.e. reconciliation or possibly divorce, etc., I will help you talk through your concerns either way. My own philosophy is that I do not give clients recommendations on who to marry or whether to get or stay married. In my opinion, that is inappropriate. I want you to feel free to communicate your needs and desire either way or I consider it my job to support you to do so. My agenda is your agenda.

The post A Message for Reluctant Spouses appeared first on Kathy Jarosz.

Frequent Conflict and Arguing

Studies show that couples who argue a lot are not necessarily headed towards divorce. In fact, sometimes couples who are locked in this pattern will learn how to adapt to their differences and be much happier five years down the line. The presence of frequent conflict, though it sometimes makes partners feel badly about themselves, is not a strong predictor of divorce unless it is accompanied by other qualities. (See section on Gottman Research).

What’s most important here, is to realize that if you learned how to argue, you can learn how not to argue. You have that power within you and I can teach you the steps, skills and strategies to live in more harmony with your partner. One cautionary note: it does take work and perseverance with yourself.

Avoidance Patterns

Sometimes couples come to counseling because one partner wants more contact and intimacy than the other partner. This could be a natural difference in rhythm, needs and temperament. It is important that the therapist do a comprehensive assessment in this situation, as always.

One thing that can be problematic, is when both partners bring avoidant tendencies to the relationship. In this case, the relationship might suffer due to unresolved conflicts that keep piling up. This situation can lead to the demise of the relationship if there is no way for misunderstandings and changes to be managed in the relationship. The sooner these types of couple get help the better.

Addiction

14% of the adult population suffers from addiction problems. It is commonly stated that one addicted individual strongly affects the lives of 8-14 people around them. There is no greater example that that of marital partners.

Although there is no cure for addiction, we do know a lot now about how to help individuals and couples deal with these issues. A therapist trained and experienced in chemical dependency, can show the couple the path toward healing.

Sexual Issues

Sex can easily become a bone of contention in any intimate partnership. When we meet someone there is no guarantee that their sexual appetite is going to be the same as ours. How many people can say they frequently feel like sex at the exact same time as their partner does? This natural state of affairs can lead to much frustration for couples and is a common reason why couples seek help. It is important to understand and accept that individual differences in sexual interest are normal. Through a careful assessment, the therapist can devise a plan to help the couple improve their compatibility in this area.

The post Common Issues Couples Face appeared first on Kathy Jarosz.

News! I am very excited about being added to the only marriage-friendly-therapists registry for advanced marital therapists in the United States. These therapists are part of the new movement called marriage-friendly-therapists.

Why do we need such a registry? Consumers expect a couples therapist will help them try to save their relationship. Therapists are typically neutral about this, but consumers don’t realize that. Instead I discuss with clients what their goal is, and if both partners are there to strengthen the marriage, that is the goal all three of us align towards. I make sure we are all clear and in agreement on this. I am not neutral about your marriage, if you are committed to it.

Sometimes couples give up on their marriages before really even trying to make use of couples therapy. Often, these couples are basing their decisions on the many myths that circulate in contemporary society about marriage problems and divorce. Many people seem to think that participating in two to three couples therapy sessions means that they have tried to fix their marriage. Nothing could be farther from the truth! Though marriage counseling need not always take a lot of time, it does take courage to make changes. This is the hard work that many people never partake in and later deeply regret. About 40% of divorced people have regrets. Part of my role is to educate people about their choices and the common pitfalls that they can avoid. This is what the term “Marriage Friendly Therapist” refers to. Though the decision of whether to marry or divorce is always up to the individual as it should be, providing education that can greatly reduce the misconceptions about marriage and divorce is, I believe, a key role the therapist can play.

And if you are ambivalent about your marriage, uncertain of what you want, I can help you sort through that in a way that will make you more confident in your final decision and direction.

For more information regarding this registry please go to www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com.

Each therapist on the registry has been assessed for the competency in marital therapy in particular. In addition to possessing an active license and appropriate background, the therapist must also have been specifically trained in marital therapy. Unfortunately, this is not the norm for the majority of therapists providing couples therapy!

The Marriage Friendly registry has been recognized by USA Today, NPR, the Harvard Mental Health Letter (listing the registry as one out of the only two they recommended in the country), and The National Extension Relationship and Marriage Education Network (Federal government).

Some of the leading marital therapists in the United States are endorsing this registry including Sue Johnson PhD, and Michele Weiner Davis MSW.

WETZSTEIN: Save marriage with ‘friendly’ aid

www.couplescounselingworks.com
For decades, we’ve heard the advice. “Marriage in trouble? Go see a counselor.” But did you know that more than a few mental health professionals think marriage counseling may be hazardous to your marital health?

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